Basic Outline of Narcissism and How to Survive Loving One

What Makes a Narcissist Tick?

Do you know someone who is narcissistic? Or, perhaps more to the point -- do you love someone who is narcissistic? This can be a real challenge. While narcissists can be fun, witty and outgoing in public, they slowly destroy the relationships with those closest to them. Never-ending streams of demands for attention -- and punishment when that attention is not given -- make life an emotional roller coaster for those who love a narcissist. For these devoted people, the challenge becomes how to maintain their own sense of self in a world where they are required to focus fully on someone else.

WHERE DOES NARCISSISM COME FROM?

While narcissism is hardly unique to our 21st-century lifestyles, there’s much about the way we live today that nurtures this tendency. Contributing factors include indulgent parenting... technology that allows immediate gratification of every whim... a culture built on fame for its own sake... and, now, social networks that enable people to issue news reports on everything from what they ate for breakfast to their opinion on some celebrity’s marital spat. On the one hand, a recent survey from Flagler College and Western Kentucky University points to online self-promotional behavior as fuel for a growing legion of narcissists... on the other, the newest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (the fifth edition, due out in 2013) has eliminated it as an official personality disorder. Narcissism, it seems, is thriving, and is well on its way to becoming "normal." I spoke recently with Karyl McBride, PhD, author of the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (www.NeverGoodEnough.com), who shared her insights into how you can best maintain your well-being if you live with a narcissist.

WHO ARE NARCISSISTS?

Narcissism derives its name from a character in Greek mythology -- Narcissus, who was so enchanted with his own reflection in a pool of water that he was unable to stop staring at it. While narcissists appear strong and confident, the truth is that their bravado is rooted in a deep insecurity and need for reassurance. It is this insecurity that has them seeking constant attention, like an infant who must have attention from his/her mother because he lacks the ability to control his world. As is true with most aspects of personality, narcissistic behavior exists on a continuum. Intensely narcissistic people become deeply destructive to those around them, and few people find them tolerable to live with. But, said Dr. McBride, it is possible to live reasonably happily with someone with mild narcissism -- as long as you recognize his/her behavior for what it is. Narcissists are characterized by the following...

· Grandiose, exaggerated sense of self-importance and belief that they’re better than others.

· Preoccupation with fantasies of power, success or beauty.

· Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships.

· Need for constant praise and admiration.

· A strong sense of entitlement.

· Expectation that other people will go along with their ideas and plans.

· Inability to recognize the needs and feelings of others.

· Tendency to take advantage of people.

· Jealousy of others and/or the belief that others are jealous of them.

· Fragile self-esteem and extreme sensitivity to criticism.

Making these characteristics even more difficult to live with is the fact that narcissists tend to not have any idea of the impact that they have on those around them. They won’t understand your complaints, and they won’t change. So you can either choose to leave or must figure out how to make the most of a difficult situation. Should you choose to stay, it will require time and energy to make it work while -- and Dr. McBride emphasizes that this next point is critically important -- preserving your own sense of self-worth. To do this, she recommends the following coping mechanisms...

Learn more about the condition. Understanding what makes a narcissist tick and the root of how he/she got that way may help you accept the person’s limitations and modify your own expectations.

Demand respect. Be clear that you will not tolerate disrespectful language such as belittling remarks... constant criticism... controlling behavior... and unreasonable rages. Any behaviors that veer into physical or emotional abuse are not acceptable -- for instance, yelling and name calling, isolation from family and friends, or other possessive or manipulative behavior.

Don’t blame yourself. A narcissist will value or devalue you according to what you’ve done for him lately, putting your own self-esteem at risk, warns Dr. McBride. If the perception is that you haven’t done enough, the reaction may be to put you down -- but don’t accept the blame. Never lose sight of the fact that you are a good person and that the "noise" from the narcissist is simply his distorted point of view, not reality.

Put your well-being first. Don’t lose yourself while tending to the narcissist. Define your own wants and needs and figure out how to get them met. Guard your self-esteem at all times: Be firm and consistent about expressing your wishes and requirements.

Build a support system. Since narcissists lack empathy, they are not going to be able to give you understanding or support. You need to have others in your life who can provide friendship and emotional connection outside of your home.

Realize that you can’t change a narcissist. You can encourage an individual to gain more self-awareness -- e.g., see a therapist -- but for the most part you need to accept him as is... or move on.

When It’s Too Much To Take

Sadly, it’s not uncommon for narcissists to eventually behave in ways that are destructive to themselves and the people they purport to love. Changing one’s personality traits -- which is the challenge that faces a narcissist -- is a very difficult proposition. If a person has a few narcissistic traits on the continuum, psychotherapy can help by offering him a more realistic self-image. But be forewarned -- those with a full-blown narcissistic disorder will not go into therapy. And if you drag them there, they will spend their time discussing how bad you are.

For better or worse, many of us have narcissists in our lives. If you care for a narcissistic person, be true to yourself and try to accept your partner as he is. As a last resort, keep in mind that you can always separate yourself from the situation if it becomes intolerable.

Source(s):

Karyl McBride, PhD, LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist), Arvada, Colorado. Dr. McBride, a featured blogger for Psychology Today, is author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (Free Press). www.NeverGoodEnough.com

#Mary Mihelich, PhD, LPC, LMFT
918.527-0323  #Breakthrough #Counseling #Tulsa 918-286-2647

Perceptions of stress at work are quite high with several recent studies by Envisia Learning Inc. suggesting that 40% to 65% of all executives and employees rate their jobs as being very or extremely stressful with significant impact on work/family balance and overall health¹.
In a poll by Reston, Virginia based TrueCareers, more than 70% of workers do not think there is a healthy balance between work and their personal lives. More than 50% of the 1,626 respondents reported they are exploring new career opportunities because of the inability to manage both work and family stressors. Not only that, a Monster.com survey found that 79% of all job holders said they had increased their search for new jobs since the economy weakened more than a year and a half ago.
We were interested in seeing whether results from our own personal stress and health risk appraisal called StressScan would help to identify what professional working employees reported being stressed about and why some stay healthy in the face of work and life challenges and stressors. StressScan measures 14 psychosocial scales that have been shown to be associated with diverse individual (e.g., job burnout, depression, physical health) and organizational (e.g., absenteeism) outcomes².
Stress is conceptualized as the experience of major and minor irritants, annoyances, and frustrations (hassles) of daily living over a three-month period. This brief measure of work/life stress was based upon factor analytic research of the original Hassles scale. StressScan measures the extent to which respondents experience daily hassles in six distinct factor areas including: 1) Health; 2) Work; 3) Personal Finances; 4) Family; 5) Social Obligations; and 6) Environmental and World concerns.
We analyzed differences by gender across these six StressScan scales (ANOVA) using requests for free trials for this assessment over the last few years (N=149). In general, women reported significantly higher levels of stress compared to males (mean for woman = 16.48 versus mean for men = 15.35, p < .01). No other significant differences were found across gender for quality/quantity of sleep, social support network (availability, use and satisfaction) or happiness.
We found only two stress categories were rated as significantly more challenging by women compared to their male counterparts (p < .01) using a 1 to 5 scale where 1 = Never, 3 = Sometimes and 5 = Always):

• Family Stressors (mean for women 3.08/mean for men 2.70)
• Financial Stressors (mean for women 3.15/mean for men 2.72)

So, why do some talent in the face of work and life stress experience job burnout, depression and physical illness and others remain physically and psychologically healthy? Our research has found three distinct coping patterns in the face of work and life stressors: 1) Hot reactors (those who get sick in the battle of stress, challenge and change); 2) Sustainers (those who get sick after the “letdown” with the battle); and 3) The Hardy (those who are resilient and experience stress and challenge free from illness and distress).
Hot Reactors: About 1 in 5 executives can be described as “hot reactors” on the basis of how they react to stress and the effects on their long term health. Hot reactors are most likely to experience physical illness, job burnout and psychological distress during stressful and challenging projects, assignments and heavy workloads. Behaviorally they are prone to demonstrating impatience, irritability, frustration with incompetence, mood swings and anger. In our research, these hot reactors are highly correlated with typical measures of Type A behavior characterized by a relentless drive for success as well as cynical mistrust of those around them.
Hot reactors seem to be biologically “wired” to react to stress with exaggerated physiological and behavioral responses. These executives are often resistant to changing their basic coping style as most truly believe their ability to work long hours, suppress fatigue and feel energized by stress is a key to his/her career success. Such executives seem to chronically be exhibiting the classic “fight or flight” response almost to the point of exhaustion and burnout. Most are high risk for long term cardiovascular disorders including high blood pressure, high cholesterol and heart disease.
Sustainers: Talent who find themselves feeling the symptoms of a cold coming on right after a big project has been completed or getting away for a much deserved vacation are experiencing the clinical “let down effect.” Such individuals are shifting from a high state of activation to a lower state rapidly making their immune system “let down” from its normal “high stress” protective state and leading to increased vulnerability to get sick in the short term.
Sustainers are used to prolonged periods of high stress states and are able to suppress fatigue and “get up” for the battle in order to succeed. Their vulnerability comes not during the battle but after. By using relaxation strategies to manage the chronic stress response these executives can stay healthy both during stressful times and when things slow down. By recognizing the signs and symptoms of stress, tension and anxiety when they first appear, executives can begin to utilize a wide range of behavioral and cognitive strategies to avoid the chronic “race horse” condition that is characteristic of most “high flyers.” These “sustainers” truly do pay the price of being able to hang in during very stressful situations, challenges and times without breaking down physically or emotionally.
The Hardy: The resilient and hardy talent in our research are the ones who experience high levels of stress, work/life unbalance and critical demands but maintain a high level of physical health and psychological well-being. In our research, these individuals are less likely to report job burnout, absenteeism due to illness, anxiety, sleep problems, and depression.
Resilient talent appear to maintain and practice specific lifestyle behaviors that become part of his/her daily routine and utilize coping habits that help translate stress into positive challenges that energize, rather than, compromise the immune system and well-being³. We can’t always avoid some chronic (high level of work demands or child care issues) or acute (injury, child illness) stressors but those who are hardy appear to cope and manage them in a manner that minimize negative health outcomes.
Profile of Hardy Talent

• Experience and report less work and family stress on a daily basis
• Maintain a high level of physical activity/exercise despite travel and work/family demands (e.g., work out at least 3 days a week for 60 minutes).
• Maintain heart healthy eating/nutrition habits (e.g., eat breakfast, avoid convenience food, and manage weight).
• Are non-smokers and drink alcohol in moderation (e.g., no more than 2 alcoholic drinks per day).
• Consistently maintain an adequate level of sleep and practice sound sleep hygiene (e.g., avoid building a sleep debt and get adequate sleep required to avoid being inappropriate sleepy during the day).
• Minimize hostile, impatient and aggressive behaviors towards others that are associated with eliciting the “fight or flight” response.
• Practice some type of daily mental or physical activity that elicits the “relaxation response” (e.g., meditation or yoga) reversing stress activation.
• Cultivate and utilize a strong social and professional support network by spending time with those who are satisfying to be around and avoiding those who are “energy zappers” in our life.
• Possess a hardy outlook on life including viewing change as a challenge, identifying and spending time on his/her passions and develop an external set of attributions for failures⁴.
• Identify and emotionally express strong feelings in writing or verbally to others on a daily basis.
• Stop obsessive thoughts that create tension and explore action plans to resolve the stressor.
• Minimize the use of defeating and perfectionist “self-talk” (e.g., constantly using the words “must” or “always”).
• Actively ruminate and express gratitude for his/her life situation
• Identify and act on his/her signature strengths to maximize career and life satisfaction.

Being resilient isn’t something that we are necessarily born with although there appears to certainly be a genetic predisposition to possessing biological wiring favoring the release of neuropeptide Y and other hormones that may damper the stress response. We have also seen in our own research and others the capacity to develop hardiness or resilience:

Hardy talent appear to develop an ongoing commitment to maintain a lifestyle that enables them to balance the demands at work and home while remaining energized, productive and healthy.
If you are interested in seeing how resilient you are and would like a free trial of StressScan (www.getlifehub.com/stress_scan) just email me at ken@envisiaonline.com and I will be happy to set you up! Be well…

Spanking Damages Your Children

Spanking linked to more aggression in kids

By Linda Thrasybule
MyHealthNewsDaily

Live Poll

Do you use spanking for disciplining your kids?

	Yes
	No

View Results

• 175241
  Yes
  57%
• 175242
  No
  43%

VoteTotal Votes: 2209

Spanking or slapping your child has long-term, harmful effects on their development, according to a new review of 20 years of research.
Over the past two decades, research has increasingly found links between such "everyday" types of physical punishment and higher levels of child aggression, according to the review. In fact, no studies have found this type of child discipline to predict a positive long-term effect.
"I think it's important for parents to understand that although physical punishment might get a child to do something in the immediate situation, there are many side effects that can develop over the long term," said co-author Joan Durrant, a child clinical psychologist at Family Social Sciences at the University of Manitoba in Canada.
"For example, the more often a child sees a parent respond to conflict or frustration with slapping or spanking, the more likely that child will do the same when confronting their own conflicts," Durrant said.
The review is published today (Feb. 6) in the Canadian Medical Association Journal.
Some parents still use spanking for disciplineOne recent poll found that 22 percent of parents reported being "very likely" to spank their children, but most said they disciplined their kids in other ways, by taking away privileges or putting them in "time out."
In one U.S. study, researchers looked at 2,400 mothers who spanked their 3-year-olds twice the previous month, and found that children had an increased risk for higher levels of aggression when they were 5 years old.
"In the U.S., physical punishment is such an entrenched part of the culture that virtually no one has experienced growing up without it," Durrant said. "This situation makes it difficult for parents to visualize raising a child without it."
Durrant also pointed out that a major factor could be that some parents have little knowledge or understanding of why children behave like they do.
"They are more likely to believe that their child is being defiant or intentionally bad, but in most cases, children are simply doing what is normal for their development," she said.
Start early with positive disciplineBased on years of research, however, more and more doctors are encouraging parents to discipline their children with positive, nonviolent approaches.
"Parents should start out really young — as early as 12 months old," said Kimberly Sirl, a clinical psychologist at St. Louis Children's Hospital, who was not involved with the research.
"Kids have to learn how to cope with frustration, how to share and how to be patient," Sirl said. "Parents teach them how to do that."
For example, Sirl said that toddlers say no to everything, so the best thing to do when they're acting out is either ignore them briefly (for roughly 10 seconds) or redirect their negative behavior.
"If you want to encourage good behavior, provide them with reward or praise," she said.
Instead of saying, "do this [be]cause I told you so," Sirl said, it's best to explain to kids why there are rules.
"We should let them know that grownups have to follow rules too," she said. "Essentially, time out for grownups is called jail."   Parenting# Tulsa Counseling# Dr. Mary Mihelich Ventonis#

Crying can be Good for You!

There is a "good" cry and then there is crying too much.  How do you know if it isn't the "good" sort?  Excessive crying is a problem that needs to be assessed.  Daily crying is not normal!  Counseling is something to consider in such cases.  A Professional Counselor in private practice, Dr Mary Mihelich has helped many to experience more control over their teariness and to find their way to a more peaceful and happy life.  You can reach her to schedule a confidential appointment at Breakthrough Counseling, 918-286-3278.

Do You Cry at Weddings?

As billions (!) of people tuned in to watch the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton (now, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge), millions probably shed a tear (or a few) as the stunning bride was escorted in by her father or as the groom first saw his wife-to-be or when those fateful vows were exchanged.

But why? The vast majority of us don't personally know the bride and groom. And, seeing as this is a wedding, it's a happy occasion, so why shed tears that are typically reserved for moments of sadness or stress?

"Our individual reactions are based on the feelings evoked within us while we witness an event," explains Shoshana Bennett, PhD, a clinical psychologist and host of The Dr. Shosh radio show. "It has little or nothing to do with the actual people involved." Instead, whether we cry has more to do with our personalities and past experiences, she says.

If you're a person who sheds a tear at the drop of an "I do," don't fret: Crying is actually good for your emotional health as it's a healthy way to release any pent-up emotion and can even lift your spirits afterward. A study of nearly 200 Dutch women found that almost 9 in 10 said they felt better after a good cry.

And, as it turns out, welling up in front of a dry-eyed friend has its perks, too, since having a shoulder to cry on can help build relationships. An Israeli researcher found that crying communicates vulnerability to others, so a person who comforts you can actually feel closer to you, which strengthens the bond between you.

So whether you shed a single tear or went through a box of Kleenex, releasing all of that emotion is nothing to blush about. "Each of us reacts differently to occasions and events, and it's important not to judge one reaction as better or worse," Bennett says. "The key point is that there is no right or wrong to feelings. They just are."

So, go ahead, whip out those tissues and let the tears flow!

Did you cry during the royal wedding? Do you normally cry at weddings?


-- Sharon Tanenbaum, Everyday Health's celebrity news editor

Gardening is a good hobby for those seeking Private Counseling# in Tulsa#

Gardening Should be Easy!

It's a beautiful day here in Oklahoma which is really rare for the

end of January. So I am sitting here at the computer, looking out the window

and thinking, "Wow! Today would be a great day to begin the preparation

for a new garden. And it would be, and the timing would be perfect.

Many people don't plan far enough advance when it comes to gardening

and that's why they find it so challenging. For instance, if you went outside

today and . . .

1. Marked out a spot in your yard where you'd like to have

a new garden.

2. Laid down newspaper at least 9 pages thick.

3. Covered that with window screen from the hardware store.

4. Weighted it down with some bricks or patio blocks.

5. Come spring all the weeds and grass under the newspaper

would be dead.

6. Remove the bricks and the window screen, but leave the

newspaper.

7. Dig holes in what's left of the newspaper only where you need to plant.

8. Install your plants.

9. Lay down a fresh layer of newspaper around the plants. (9 pages)

10. Mulch the bed with at least 2" of mulch.

11. A weed free garden.

Are you addicted to Japanese Maples? Check

this one out! Orido Nishiki Japanese Maple

Did you know that if you can get paid for telling others about me?

Great Paid for Telling Others about Me and My Shenanigans.

Me and You, anxiously awating spring together,

Stay inspired!

-Mike McGroarty